I’ve never been like this. Even when Garrett died I don’t remember being like this. I seem to spend most of my time with tears running down my face and I really have no idea why. It’s crazy. It’s not who I am and I have no idea how to stop it.

A few weeks back I was going to stop blogging because I was in such a bad place. Then I realized that I was blogging to have something to remember Slurpee’s pregnancy. I never did come back to blog because of all the crazy stuff that happened and the six total visits to the hospital. But now. Do I really want to keep a record of what a mess I am?

Last night I had to call Gran because the boys had gone to the pool and I couldn’t get Neely to answer his phone. She took me to the ER because I was in so much pain I couldn’t calm down. That’s not me. I can tolerate a lot of pain. I’m the one who goes to work with dibilitating migraines and never lets on that I’m having one. Most people would crawl back into bed and stay there until it was gone. I felt like such a wuss.

Turns out that the pain I’m having has little to do with the tear I have from giving birth. The doctor was not quite sure what it was, but they gave me a good does of pain meds and sent me home with a new prescription. I haven’t had any of the prescription today, but I’m still in pain. I think the reason is that I haven’t been awake long enough for the pain to be an issue.

I don’t know what to say. Everyone says that it’s OK to be like this. They all know I’m on pins and needles because of the NICU and our past. I wouldn’t say I’m on pins and needles. We’ve been here and done this before. I feel like I need to get up and take care of everyone. Weeman needs me. Neely needs me. Slurpee needs me. I can’t just lie here until I’m better and then try to fit back in.